Sunday, May 22, 2005

The ex factor.

I don't usually make it a habit to maintain relationships with ex-boyfriends. The whole "ex" aspect is usually too big of a factor. I don't know how people really do it - manage to take all that intensity and mold it into something friendship. It seems so hard to keep yourself from falling into old habits. The familiarity of the past just can feel so safe. And that's where the "danger" lies. I guess after time apart, friendship becomes more feasible, but by then lives move foward and other people move in. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It just sort of happens.

But every once in a while I manage to become briefly re-acquainted with an old flame and it becomes a subtle marker for how much time has passed and sometimes, how much we've both grown. I just happened to get off the phone with my last boyfriend. We were together for a little over two years and were really happy for most of it. I can't really say what exactly broke us up, but like all break-ups, there are probably a million reasons we can both come up with. He was and is an incredibly sweet guy - and probably the most sincere person I have yet to meet. It's been roughly a year and a half since we broke up, and it was really nice catching up and hearing about the little joys in his life.

After all these encounters with the ex's, it always astounds me how little of our past intimacies are left. How have our deepest moments become so easily replaced by these awkward moments in a quick phone call? People always say you have your memories, but that's not necessarily true either. Studies have shown countless times just how inaccurate and distorted our memories actually are. These are the silly things I've learned through the years. The hardest part though - was to simply accept life...with all it's felt inconsistencies, heartaches and joys, even if it might not last forever.

I know I've broken a few hearts out there (and for that I am always sorry). I've also had my own heart broken a few times, but I always manage to get up and going again. That's the thing about love, you can never really give it up. I imagine to do so would be sort of like being dead to life. My sister once said that she felt all of the world's problems fell to a failure of love. That statement has always stuck with me. Maybe she's right.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am such the biggest fan of your latest ex. how is he doing? man, if i wasn't married, and if he hadn't been your boyfriend...heheheheh...just joking, kinda. and i absolutely miss you beckany yun, you beautiful soul you. i wanna catch up with you, too. i'll start the phone tag tomorrow.

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

words of wisdom to be sure...

-just surfed in

9:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow. kinda choked me up.

10:11 AM  

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