Wednesday, August 03, 2005

premenstrual philosphy

This morning I rolled out of bed and could tell that today was going to be a hard day. I could just feel my hormone levels rising with each passing moment and by 8 am, I desperately needed a hug. It's funny that in those moments, I know that I have all the love in the world around me but no one to give me a hug. And its enough to make you feel incredibly alone. But life moves on and so did I, right into a day full of ups and downs. Truthfully, I think I secretly find a lot of comfort in that 'aloneness'. As I've gotten older, "wiser" I've noticed how much energy people put into running away from loneliness or the idea of being alone. I've watched friends settle down with men while still dreaming of their soulmates and have even known a few to just say fuck life altogether. Of course like everyone else, I struggle with it - fears of being abondoned, forgotten or misplaced perhaps - ultimately of being alone. But as much as I wish I could keep running from it, I'm simply too tired. So I just accept it. I hate it but hell, that's part of living, really living. Whatever that means. All I know is that every once in a while and sometimes more than that, I have a tendency to fall back into myself to simply be alone.

In college, I used to believe that we should all try to live life out to the "fullest", which to me meant facing all your fears and pushing the limits of your insecurities. Its how I defined my own search for truths. Now I find myself wondering if there really is a right or wrong way to live, just as long as you have strong enough defense mechanisms to sustain your lifestyle (ok, that was a bad Freudian joke). Or maybe that's just my own justifications for wanting a future with comfort and ease and lots of vacations to exotic lands. I come from a background of working in non-profit with "at-risk" youth which doesn't mix well with my giant guilt complex. And now, I'm forced to reckon with my own "demons" since half my day is spent fighting with everyone else's.

Well, I think I shall take myself to bed. I just spent the past hour singing my nephew to sleep. I wish someone would sing me my ABC's because I've had another long day. I have finally realized that once again, I've found myself dictated by too many obligations, all of which I put on myself. I'm actually looking foward to classes starting up again. All I know is that tomorrow morning, there better be a good hug by my bedside or maybe I'll just get my period.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you could use a break - better yet, a nice romantic date that begins with flowers and ends with a stroll through Tomkins Sq. Park. Maybe my next visit through New York I'll call you ;)

10:27 AM  
Blogger alleycat said...

mmm...i would love that. I certainly don't get enough flowers.

10:30 AM  
Anonymous Gracie said...

*SQEEEEEEEEZE* (i know this doesn't substitute for the real one!) love ya, girl!

12:21 PM  
Blogger Jim Buggz said...

I haven't been by this blog in a while because I've been busy with some things, but I come back and am glad to read your rational and logical progression of introspective perspectives. I wonder if thats the training you've received that guides your thought process or if you have always been so analytical . . .? When I first read one of your longer posts, I couldn't help but think how similar my own thought process flows, but enough about me. Though my opinion is not very important; don't worry so much about being lonely, for someone as fun-loving, intelligent, and attractive as you are, the right person will come along.
Be picky ;P

1:10 PM  
Anonymous Raisa said...

ITA. I'd take you out too but you look hopelessly straight.

9:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Jim Buggz is kinda cute. What about him? Step up Jim!

9:16 PM  

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